Here is another guest blog entry from Shmuly Tennenhaus, affiliate manager for ice.com.

Search Supremacy
By Shmuly Tennenhaus

It's approximately two fifteen in the afternoon. Approximately because my computer screen is dirty and I can't tell if that's a 3 or an 8 so to play it safe I'm going with 5 since it's smack in the middle. The phone rings and revives me from my post lunch reverie. With great effort, I extend my ink-stained hand across my pigsty of a desk and answer it with a courteous "yo". On the other end I hear tons of background noise. Then a single voice breaks through the cacophonous mix. Hi, my name is Billy and I'm calling from "searchengineexpertsoninteractivemarketing". He says the name of his SEO company in one breath and I am already impressed. Do you have a few minutes to discuss a product that can grow your sales instantly with a touch of a button by millions and billions of dollars all for less than two-hundred dollars a month and there is no committment whatsoever?

How can I possibly reject such a pitch? First off, the search sales guy just rattled off the longest run-on sentence ever known to mankind and not only did he beat the previous record for longest sentence ever, he actually walloped the revered record without even trying and he was not even out of breath and before he called me he just ran a five-minute mile. So, to confirm my excitement for the imminent discussion and to convey my approval for his rant-request, I express my reply with an enthusiastic grunt. Now, the grunt was actually the result of my lunch absconding from one region of my stomach and thereafter resettling to a more spacious abdominal area, with a fantastic view of my rib cage. But Billy is unaware of this reality and begins to happily meander into my work day.

Billy: I was checking your site listings on Google.

Me: Who?

Billy: Google.

Me: Yes. I heard you the first time. What is that? Is that baby talk like googoo gaga? Are you selling baby products?

Billy: (breaking into a sweat) Uh. Um. Google. You know. The search engine.

Me: Never heard of it. Are they new?

Billy: (frantically searching his "Sales 101" manual for the chapter titled "When a potential buyer is a certified dumbass") Well (regaining composure as per chapter titled "To Grin is not a Sin so continue on trucking and don't be sucking") Google is the worlds largest search engine on the planet-

Me: -of apes?

Billy (patiently chuckling as per chapter seven "Laugh and then get the sale, take the money and then laugh all the way to the bank) no. On the plant earth. Google is number one in search!

Me: I'm kidding. Just teasing you! Of course I know what google is. In fact I was just on it searching for a life. I'd love to get one for myself! (Billy emits a heartedly HAHAHA and gets back to his script.)

My day is about to go from worse to worser. Those with a PHD in the English language will point out that there is no such word as worser. And that is precisely how bad my day is going to get. It will reach a level that I must INVENT a word to properly describe the level of badness Anyways, Billy proceeds to tell me that the google rankings for my site are not too hot. Furthermore, my listings are the in pits. In fact, beneath the pit there is a busted pipe teeming with raw sewage and that is where my search campaign currently lays. Billy will then mercifully demonstrate the ineffectiveness of our search campaign. And I must admit that at this juncture of the conversation I am sold on his product, whatever it may be. Because nothing and I mean nothing makes me want to fully demolish and then restructure our search initiatives, more than receiving a call from a total stranger informing me that my work blows.

Let's face it; everyone today is doing search engine optimization. My grandmother does not own a computer and I'm guessing she also has a surefire technique to make a fortune through utilizing search. The next time I go and visit her (this coming Sunday) she may even offer me her proven and tested search program. Personally, I think she should try using her program to locate her own reading glasses that she is constantly misplacing.

By the way, if you're searching for some meaning in this column, I suggest you give Billy a call.