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December 5, 2005
Marketing Madness: Struggles with Managing the ICE.com Affiliate Program
We have a guest Blogger today, Shmuly Tennenhaus, the affiliate manager for Ice.com, sends us a satirical post about dealing with self proclaimed marketing guru's.
The battery is running low on my laptop so this will have to be quick. There will be no time for mulling over choice of words. If there is still some juice remaining in my spanking new Dell when this is finished, I will run a hasty spell-check. Dear members of our industry, I write today informing you of a modern malady. This pandemic is rapidly spreading like wild fire in the backyard of a seasoned arsonist. The odds are that the majority of you have already been in contact with a carrier of this contagious condition.
This head case is called marketing narcissism. According to the Greek legend, Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool. Similarly, the marketing narcissist is a self-proclaimed marketing guru who falls in love with his own reflection on his PC. Narcissus was of the male persuasion and so is the typical MN. Women are clearly the smarter sex, though I am admittedly baffled with their unified obsession with Johnny Depp. However, at least when a female is an expert in a particular field, she doesn't spend her life spreading the gospel of her personal achievements.
A marketing narcissist is omniscient. Period. Even God, whenever in doubt regarding a business dilemma, will seek advice from this enlightened human. A marketing narcissist is omnipresent. Fact. Yesterday he was Idaho delivering a Power Point presentation to the Amish. Tomorrow he will be lecturing the Catholic clergy on the merits of preaching the E-Bible. A marketing narcissist is omnipotent. Non-fiction. He can walk on his head on water. Take that Jesus!
Are you a MN? Do you work with a MN? Are you coming down with MN symptoms? Is there a vaccine for MN? And finally, if a marketing narcissist hails from Minnesota, will he then be nicknamed as the MN from MN? I will do my best to shed light on this nascent outbreak. The following are common characteristics of a MN:
Coitus Confessions: During sex he yells out Seth Godin's name. If you never heard of Seth, your prognosis is a healthy one. FYI, Seth became a MN after seeing his own reflection radiating off his shiny skull.
Publishes Rubbish: He writes a personal blog dedicated to the fluctuating trends of marketing mannerisms. His blathering blog links to blistering blogs authored by fellow geishas, gurus, geniuses, gnomes and gnats. There is no happy ending to his pontificating penmanship. He has high hopes to one day publish a best-selling book with an exotic title (for e.g. Jack Welch Loves 2 Belch, Donald Trump likes to Hump!, Alan Greenspan has Touretts?)
Cherishes Cardboard: In his home, behind his life-size self-portrait, rests a Brinks-issued safe. Locked up inside are his most valuable possession; myriads of business cards stealthily accrued during networking sessions. To be fair, he always grab fistfuls of cards from the raffle bowl while supplementing them with his own, thereby increasing his odds of winning, but hey, this world is a competitive place.
Magazine Megalomaniac: He can recite verbatim the cover stories & editorials of Internet Retailer, Fast Company, Marketing Sherpa & Revenue, dating back to inception. These precious periodicals are his sole source of neurological nourishment. He reads them hot of the press. Literally. I kid you not. The man actually stakes out the printing location from across the street with a powerful pair of binoculars.
Expensive Excrement: Let's put the scatological humor behind us. For the sake of mature journalism, the subject of dung will remain far-flung. This essay will be wiped clean from all obscene references. OK. Here it is. The holy grail of marketing narcissism tendencies is when the MN habitually defecates dollar bills.